Disappearing Happiness
by BluePhoenix0101
Summary: Truth be told, Luffy would much rather be lying six feet underneath the ground with a gaping hole in his chest and burned up insides instead of Ace, away from all this suffering. Away from all this pain. This pain he was unable to cope with.
1. Gone Forever

**_(A/N) I've decided to try to write a oneshot. The song is "Gone Forever" by Three Days Grace. Read & Review! Oh. and in my opinion you should play the song while reading this._**

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_**Don't know what's going on**_  
_**Don't know what went wrong**_  
_**Feels like a hundred years**_  
_**I still can't believe you're gone**_

It was a full moon. Luffy was lying awake under a beautiful palm tree, thinking about the loathsome Marineford War, which took his only brother's life. He couldn't understand how it had happened. One minute, he was running to a ship to escape with Ace by his side, the next he was on his knees on the ground, with Ace standing in front of him, a magma fist through his chest and a horribly pained expression on his face. He still couldn't fully accept the fact that he wasn't here anymore, the big brother who always protected him, the one person he always looked up to, someone he wanted to become stronger than, someone _he_ one day wanted to protect. He clenched his fist. The cuts opened, staining the once white fabric of his bandages red.

_**So, I'll stay up all night**_  
_**With these bloodshot eyes**_  
_**While these walls surround me**_  
_**With the story of our life**_

He hadn't been able to sleep soundly ever since. Every single attempt ended in failure. His peaceful slumbers quickly turned into gruesome nightmares. His eyes constantly had deep, dark purple bags under them, they were constantly bloodshot. He slipped a hand into his pocket and pulled out a red bead. It was part of Ace's necklace, and had somehow managed to end up with him. The once vibrant color had a darker hue now. It was because of the blood. Ace's blood, to be exact. He couldn't get it off, no matter how hard he tried. He looked at it with sadness in his eyes. It was hard for him to remember, but even harder to forget. The bead reminded him of his brother. He had gotten the necklace sometime _after_ he set out to be a pirate, but it still held precious memories of Ace - their reunion in Alabasta, their trip through the desert, the... war. Mostly, though, it reminded him of death. The bandages he had wrapped around his body did that, too.

_**I feel so much better**_  
_**Now, that you're gone forever**_  
_**I tell myself that I don't**_  
_**Miss you at all**_

More than once he tried to convince himself that he doesn't miss his brother at all, that he's glad he's gone, that it was always one enemy less on the long journey to obtaining the legendary One Piece. It didn't work at first, but as he slowly grew accustomed to the idea, he started believing it to be the truth.

_**I'm not lying, denying**_  
_**That I feel so much better now**_  
_**That you're gone forever**_

People had always said that Luffy couldn't lie. It wasn't exactly the truth. Maybe he couldn't lie to others, but he could most definitely lie to himself, force himself to believe something that's not true, something that was just plain _wrong_, even in his eyes. But he had to keep going somehow, and the constant reminder of all the good times he had spent with his brother was far too much for him to handle.

_**Now, things are coming clear**_  
_**And I don't need you here**_  
_**And in this world around me**_  
_**I'm glad you disappeared**_

He had heard from Rayleigh that the remainder of the Whitebeard pirates had made Whitebeard's and Ace's graves on a beautiful secluded spring island somewhere in the New World. He vowed to go there one day, to see his brother's resting place, to talk to him one last time, before he said goodbye forever.

_**So, I'll stay out all night**_  
_**Get drunk and fuck and fight**_  
_**Until the morning comes**_  
_**I'll forget about our life**_

Luffy released all the pent-up anger and frustration he felt by fighting animals or destroying trees and boulders which would be impossible for a normal human being to even put a scratch on.

_**I feel so much better**_  
_**Now, that you're gone forever**_  
_**I tell myself that I don't**_  
_**Miss you at all**_

He wanted to get stronger, he wanted to be better than Ace ever was, so he could show him, wherever he was, that he was able to cope by himself, without him, that he wasn't such a crybaby anymore, that he was an adult, and he could do anything he set his mind to, to show him he was capable of more than Ace ever would have been.

_**I'm not lying, denying**_  
_**That I feel so much better now**_  
_**That you're gone forever**_

Of course, no matter how hard Luffy tried, he couldn't entirely erase the pain he felt after his brother met his demise, nor could he get rid of the love he held for him. Sometimes, all the emotions became too overwhelming and Luffy doubled over with the searing, raw _agony _he felt inside tearing his chest apart, ripping his heart in two. It was even worse than when Sabo had died - after all, he had known Sabo for only a short period of time, but Ace... Ace was a different matter. He had known Ace for years, been closer to him than anyone ever before, closer than even his nakama. But he still couldn't get rid of the feeling of betrayal.

_**First time you screamed at me**_  
_**I should have made you leave**_  
_**I should have known**_  
_**It could be so much better**_

He should have pushed Ace away when he realized how much it hurt to lose a person precious to you, so he wouldn't have to go through that same pain again. Well, sure, they would have still been friends, but they wouldn't have been anywhere as close as they had been now. It would have made the pain smaller. The only reason he didn't do exactly that was because Ace had promised him. _Promised _he wouldn't die and leave him alone, _promised_ he wouldn't have to go through such pain ever again. And Luffy, being the innocent, _naive_ child he was, believed him.

_**I hope you're missing me**_  
_**I hope I've made you see**_  
_**That I'm gone forever**_

Luffy wondered how Ace was doing in the afterlife. He wondered if something like that even _existed_, or if it was just a myth, a legend humans formed to make the thought of death that much more bearable. After all, the promise of another life after this one passed by was reassuring something to look forward to, even. He wondered if his brother was having a just as hard time coping as himself. 'No, probably not', he decided. Ace, wherever he was, was definitely happy. But maybe, just maybe, he also missed Luffy. Even a little, _tiny_ bit. Though if there wasn't any afterlife, then it meant they would never see each other again, both were gone from each other's lives forever.

_**And now, it's coming clear**_  
_**That I don't need you here**_  
_**And in this world around me**_  
_**I'm glad you disappeared**_

But Ace, Ace had been so, so strong. So fuckin' strong! And he still died! His power was all for naught. It made Luffy wonder how much stronger he would have to get to be able to survive in this despicable world. The way he was now, he wouldn't be able to protect anybody, not himself, not a single one of his nakama. He would have to get stronger, strong enough to release his wrath upon those bastards Teach and Akainu, to relieve himself of this hate _eating_ him up on the inside.

_**I feel so much better**_  
_**Now, that you're gone forever**_  
_**I tell myself that I don't**_  
_**Miss you at all**_

No matter what he did, he couldn't convince himself that Ace wasn't at fault. He _shouldn't_ have gone after Blackbeard, he _shouldn't_ have been beaten, he _shouldn't_ have been caught, he _shouldn't_ have been killed protecting Luffy! The war had been started to save him, but he had made sure that all their efforts had been in vain! Luffy had gone through six freakin' floors of _torture_ to bust him out of prison! Whitebeard had given his life up, hoping everyone would be able to safely get away, and continue living their dreams! But no! Ace had to be selfish and ruin everything! All because he didn't want his brother to die painful death, wanted him to achieve his greatest dream!

**_I'm not lying, denying_**  
**_That I feel so much better now_**  
**_That you're gone forever_**

Truth be told, Luffy would much rather be lying six feet underneath the ground with a gaping hole in his chest and burned up insides instead of Ace, away from all this suffering. Away from all this pain.

**_And now, you're gone forever_**  
**_And now, you're gone forever_**

This pain he was unable to cope with.

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_**(A/N) In my opinion, this is my best work so far! Please don't forget to type something into the white box below, even three short words from you can make my day! I really hate the fact that Ace had to die, and once I heard this song, I just thought that something like this would suit it, so here I am, writing it. I miraculously managed to get my brother out of his room so I could write this oneshot in peace and quiet! It's one of my greatest achievements so far :P**_


	2. Animal I Have Become

**_(A/N) I've turned this into a series of oneshots. In this one, I used Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace__. Enjoy!_**

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**_I can't escape this hell_**  
**_So many times I've tried_**  
**_But I'm still caged inside_**  
**_Somebody get me through this nightmare_**  
**_I can't control myself_**

Ace sat in his cell, looking at the bars, listening to the cries of the other inmates as the were beat by the Demon Guards. He had tried to escape many, many times already. It didn't work out. Nothing he did got him out of the seastone shackles, nor the cell. Sure, he had managed to knock out a few guards as they were escorting him to his cell, but the warden had taken him down without really trying a second later. It really was hell, here in Impel Down. He had never experienced anything close to it. It was horrible, the torture every prisoner was put through, be it being made to walk on needle-like grass, fed to wild animals, starved, exposed to extreme heat or cold. Every soul inside these walls knew that this was worse than death. Staring at the same bars every second of every day was making him go crazy. He was slowly starting to lose sanity.

**_So what if you can see the darkest side of me_**  
**_No one will ever change this animal I have become_**  
**_Help me believe it's not the real_ me**  
**Somebody_ help me tame this animal!_**  
**_This animal, this animal_**

Eventually, Ace's mind started to constantly draw blanks. He stopped thinking, stopped even trying to. It was useless, and completely unnecessary. All he could do was sit there, chained up, with his solitude. He lost whatever energy he once had, his eyes no longer held their lively glow. Now, they were dull. As dull as the color of the walls in Impel Down, if not worse. He was scared. Scared as hell. Because he knew that if he ever got out of this, he would always be just a mere shell of what he had once been. Nothing would make him forget this utter terror in his heart. Terror for his friends. Terror for his father, for _Luffy_. Terror for himself.

**_I can't escape myself_**  
**_So many times I've lied_**  
**_But there's still rage inside_**  
**_Somebody get me through this nightmare_**  
**_I can't control myself_**

He really shouldn't have gone after Teach. But it had seemed so right at the time! He had really wanted to bring the son of a bitch to justice. After all, he had killed Thatch, one of Ace's best friends. There was no way he would, _could_, ever forgive that. But he hadn't been strong enough to take him down. Instead, it was he who was rotting away in Hell. He was so furious, it made him see red.

**_So what if you can see the darkest side of me_**  
**_No one will ever change this animal I have become_**  
**_Help me believe it's not the real me_**  
**_Somebody help me tame this animal I have become  
_**

He couldn't take it anymore. The terror, the rage, the pain. All of it was just threatening to burst. And eventually, it did. An inhumane, animal-like scream tore itself from Ace's throat, and rebounded off the walls in Impel Down. The inmates shuddered, scared of the raw emotion contained within it. Sure, this Hell of a prison had managed to break lots of other prisoners, but never had anything like this happened. Never. Most just slumped to the ground, on the brink of consciousness, and were soon brought to death courtesy of their cellmates.

**_Help me believe it's not the real me_**  
**_Somebody help me tame this animal_**

Ace's mind shut down. Everything went blank. He lost count of the time he had spent here. Was it days? Weeks? Months? _Years?_ He didn't know._ He didn't care._

**_Somebody help me through this nightmare_**  
**_I can't control myself_**  
**_Somebody wake me from this nightmare_**  
**_I can't escape this hell_**

He just wanted it all to stop. All this pain, all the prolonged suffering. He had lost control of everything. His body, his mind. Everything.

**_This animal, this animal_**  
**_This animal, this animal_**  
**_This animal, this animal_**  
**_This animal_**

Slowly, one by one, even the memories started fading away. No longer could he see Luffy's happy grin. No longer could he hear the sounds of a party going on board the Moby Dick, or remember what his family's faces looked like. Everything was gone. Every single thing that had at some point made him happy. Disappeared. Faded away. Ceased to exist. _Perished_.

**_So what if you can see the darkest side of me_**  
**_No one will ever change this animal I have become_**  
**_Help me believe it's not the real me_**  
**_Somebody help me tame this animal I have become_**

He didn't even have any strength left to move. He hung his head, and stared at the floor. All of a sudden, his body started shaking. It took a while for him to realize he was laughing. _Laughing_. At a time like this. Truly, whatever had been left of his sanity had just gone down the drain, amidst the swirling water.

**_Help me believe it's not the real me_**  
**_Somebody help me tame this animal!_**  
**_This animal I have become_**

The flame an a candle, once a warm steady light, had over time started flickering, until the wind blew it out completely. The wick still held a tinge of red, and was just about to get the flame to start-up again, when somebody dumped a bucket of water over it, causing it to go black once more.

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**_(A/N) You know, I've kind of started treating this like my diary. Except, I don't write about parts of my life, but somebody else's. Whenever I'm depressed, I just write about it. Helps make it go away, you know?_**

**_Please review, and expect another oneshot in a few weeks! (Cause I've been getting depressed more and more often lately.)_**


End file.
